“Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure.” Psalm 16:5 NIV

Portions (Part 2)

 In yesterday’s devotional, I wrote about stuffing my feelings by eating too many cookies. Some days I do better than others. Some days I feel my feelings and do not stuff them. On those days, I offer the cookies or the incessant book reading or the you-name-it distraction as a welcome sacrifice to the LORD. At the end of those days, I am exhausted.

And yet Jesus was always healing lepers who, because of the ravages of their disease, could not feel. To heal someone means to prolong their life, and not only did Jesus prolong their lives, but He made their lives no longer pain free.

There are (selfish) times when I think that I would not mind dying young. As soon as this life is over, I will be in heaven with Jesus. And though I would never directly end my own life, I sometimes wonder if this fear that so often grips me, pouring copious amounts of adrenaline into my ever-alert self, and never able to relax heart and nerve endings, will eventually give me a heart attack. I don’t mind that, because in dark moments, I think to myself that it beats living a long, drawn out life with a broken heart.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

 What I have to remember in my hurting is this: that the LORD is near and promises to save me. In fact, I often describe myself as having a crushed spirit. I think that my problem is that I am so quick to give up and not go through it even a little bit. I forget that I never walk through any day alone. I forget that as painful as a day may be, as exhausting as feeling feelings all day long and not avoiding them can be, when that very painful day is over, exhaustion brought on by acutely feeling feelings leaves me with a deeper sleep than I would have otherwise had. And then the next morning, I wake up actually refreshed, with a brighter outlook, and usually feeling at least a little bit better.

To desire an early end to my life would be depriving my children and grandchildren precious time I could have been enjoying and pouring into them from the wisdom I have only gleaned in the darkest moments. “Those who sow in tears will reap with joy” (Psalm 126:5 NIV).

This temporary pain walk is necessary in order to get to the JOY! If I keep stuffing myself with cookies, I will never get to the place of joy; I will never know the freedom of being free; I will never complete the tasks God created in advance for me to do (Ephesians 2:10).

He wants to fill my portion as I say, “Yes, even this, too.”

And so dear heavenly Father, we come to You and say once again, thank You, and ouch, and lead on. In Jesus Name, AMEN.