“I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.’” Lamentations 3:24 NIV

Portions (Part 1)

I’m afraid that if I stop eating these cookies that are in front of me, I will start to feel what I actually hunger for. On this one counter is a row of warm cookies I just removed from the oven. On the other counter is a pile of bills I can’t pay. On the table is my phone, with a missed phone call from a landlord to whom I don’t know what to say, because I already know I am late on rent, and since the last time we talked until now, I still have not acquired the money with which to pay him.

So I eat until I am satisfied, and then until I am full, and then I add one or two on top of that, just in case there is some errant unpleasant feeling that may still try to weasel its ugly head right on out of my heart and into my consciousness. I’ve got to keep control of these feelings just like one would have to control a rodent infestation in a house.

The problem with this lifestyle is that it actually does its job, which is to keep me from feeling real feelings. The problem with not feeling my feelings is that I then walk through life as a zombie, and in that state of numb zombiehood, I make choices I would not have made had I been fully present to my emotions. I am short with my family members; I don’t pay as much attention to the details of motherhood and home making as I should. I make irresponsible, insensitive choices that, when the numbness wears off, I look back on and regret. I think, “What was I thinking?” I think, “What is wrong with me?”

 Because—guess what?—I TOO say that the LORD is my portion and my cup! Yes, I do! I just don’t want to have to live out a lifestyle that shows trust. I don’t want to have to endure another moment of feeling what I do not desire to feel.

It was one thing for David to lament to the LORD, “The sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God” (Psalm 51:17 NLT), but David died a long time ago, and is already in heaven. I am here, reading my Bible and what he wrote all those years ago, still living out my story, still dealing with my own broken heart.

(To be continued tomorrow…)

Dear Lord Jesus, thank You that You promise to be our portion, enough to meet our every need, and in fact, You are the only portion of anything that will ever truly satisfy our souls. In Jesus’ name, Amen.