“If our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.” 1 John 3:20

Weak Flesh

Part 2

Recently I realized that I spend much of my emotional energy trying to cover up the grief that remains after certain sins I committed years ago. Yes, it has been confessed before God and man, and yes, I know I am forgiven. I do not believe that God wants me to wallow in guilt and shame. But I also think that it is wise to be honest with myself, and to never think I am above any certain sin, so that I do not so easily fall into that very sin. It is wise to say, “Lord, I cannot imagine ever being tempted to sin in certain ways, but I know that my spirit is willing and my flesh is weak, and so I need You to guard me against even my blind spots where I do not realize I am weak.”

In this instance of my sin, I did not know I was weak until after I had committed the sin. And by then, I had hurt people in ways I cannot bear to think about.

So here I was in the middle of the night, having awakened in a grief-stricken state as I remembered my sin. I wept bitter tears. I am sure I felt much like Peter felt after he realized that he had betrayed his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, right before Jesus was about to be crucified. I realize that Peter, too, believed he was above such a sin.  And that he, too, had made excuses for himself. And then right after that, Jesus died on the cross to exonerate Peter and me and everyone else from our every betrayal of our Lord and Savior.

Yet even though I know I am eternally forgiven and free, here on Earth there are messes that still need to be cleaned up. I think in my own life, I need to open up about more of my story to trusted sisters in Christ, not for the sake of rehashing the past, but for the sake of cleaning wounds. I need a community of support that can be like crutches that help me walk straight, and glasses that help me see clearly. I need Christian friends who can be a hospital for me, because though I am completely loved and forgiven by a God who keeps no record of wrongs, I imagine that a part of my heart will be crushed and grieving for the remainder of my time on Earth. Maybe this is for the best, as it will make me a more effective and compassionate minister to those around me.

Dear LORD Jesus, thank You that You forgive me of my sins and that You continue to heal me from the wounds of them. Please take these aching places and use me to be an agent of Your healing to the very deeply hurting world around me. Amen.